Why is it when you least expect things to happen, they usually do?
Today I took Aston with me to my fortnightly ultrasound appointment because I didn't want to bother anyone with asking them to watch him. I've been having these for the past 6 weeks now and usually have 1-2 per week so I have asked my friends to help me alot lately. I thought it would be like the other ultrasounds and I would be in and out pretty quickly...oh how I was mistaken.
Honestly what was I really thinking taking him anyway? He is 2 and well 2 year olds aren't great with sitting, waiting and being quite really are they? He was a good boy but by the end of the first 3 hours of today's hospital visit he was pretty over it. He had been up since about 5am and hadn't slept and this was almost 3pm when my husband finished work and came to pick him up before I started my monitoring. I usually go to these appointments by myself because it is just easier!
Between trying to watch the ultrasound and deal with Aston too it became apparent that something wasn't quite right. Usually I am watching every single moment of the ultrasound and pick that up pretty quickly, today I didn't. I thought there were some familiar numbers up there but because I was preoccupied I wasn't 100% sure. After she started asking me a few questions I realised things were about to possibly change. The look on her face said it all really when she said there had been no growth in 2 weeks, which makes the % on the growth chart not good at all. She left, I picked up the mess Aston had made in the ultrasound room and I tried not to freak out too much while we waited for her to return. We had to wait a while since they had to discuss the results and then call my Dr. I didn't think it was good but then I had hoped maybe they might remeasure again because they had made a mistake...wishful thinking! I was told to wait in the waiting room for both the films and the report (they never give you the report!!) then I had to go directly to the antenatal clinic to see one of the Drs who have been looking after me and to wait for the head Dr who I've been seeing on a weekly basis for the past 6weeks. When I got to the clinic they told me to go to maternity ward and I knew they meant business then! When you get down to maternity and they knew your name without you having to tell them it usually means bad things too.
I spoke with both the Drs and they told me we won't be getting to 39 or 40 weeks like we had planned. We are now aiming for 37weeks and the birth date is being moved forward. Then we would discuss what we would do.
Doing all this with an overtired 2 year old is so much fun! I honestly feel like such an idiot sometimes! I should have known better really then to take him with me for a start. I also should have known that when I lul myself into those false sense of security that something will happen and I will get the biggest bitch slap which takes me by surprise and stings like hell! I wonder why I've allowed myself to do this because it isn't like we haven't been down this high risk or premmie track before. I suppose I also shouldn't have not expected it considering all the stuff that has been going on over the past 6 weeks. But I have, I did let myself start to think i am going to get to term and beyond term! Well I am almost to term, the truth is because of the estimated birth weight I am feeling a nervous. We have been lucky enough to have the steroid injections (at 30 weeks) so I hope this has made a difference to the lungs.There is much speculation surrounding how long the affects of this works or if re-administering is warranted or not? My Drs chosen not to give me any further steroids so I just have to hope they worked!
Hubby was working close by thankfully and was due to finish so he came by as quickly as he could and picked up the keys and Aston and went to pick up the big kids from school. I'm lucky to have such a good husband you know, he puts up with me when I'm snappy and due to being stressed about the situation today and having an overtired 2year old I was snappy! I was also scared but chose to display the snappy part and not the scared part to start with. After they left I started my monitoring. Thankfully bub is still moving lots and my bp is still fine but it is just strange how the growth has dropped off? But to date noone can explain this? Now baby really being looked at for IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) and they actually wrote those words and some other stuff with big lines underlining that no growth was evident since their last scan...not the stuff you really want to see on the report. While I was in being monitored there was also a girl at 29weeks who's water had broken and was being treated for an infection and another girl who was overdue and being monitored for movement. I don't know if it's because we have been on the 'inside' before but I got scared for both of them...and probably a bit for myself too. I wondered if they both knew how careful they should be right now? I was probably thinking about them rather then thinking about myself because it is easier to do that. I'm pretty good at going on auto pilot and dealing with situations. I then think about what has happened and deal with the emotional feelings a bit later...I learnt this about myself when Airlie Fae was a premature baby.
So now the new plan is to have daily monitoring and basically see what happens. The scan results showed that the baby is appox 2kg or 4lbs and for the gestation we are now only on 2% of the growth chart. This basically means that only 2% of babies at this gestation are born at this weight. We are aiming for 37weeks as our birth goal now which is next week! This means each day I will be going into the hospital and be monitored. Thankfully I have a great friend Cheree who is going to watch Aston for every single appointment this week and pick my kids up if I need her to as well. I don't know what I would do with out her? I actually realised tonight that she will be interstate when the birth will happen but she is again going to stay with another friend who needs her support. We are both really lucky to have such a good friend in our lives.
So I guess I better pack that bag and lucky thing I did go out and buy that washing machine on the weekend and finally start washing those clothes up because the little one will be here within the week at this stage.
I've explained to the kids what is happening and try to be as honest as possible but as age appropriate as possible too. Mason is turning 12 and he questions alot of what is going on with the baby and pregnancy as he remembers things from when Airlie was in NICU. I don't want to stress him out but I think not telling him the truth on what is happening would cause him stress too because he is older and picks up on what is going on around him.
If I sound like I am rambling or I don't make sense it is probably because my head isn't really feeling like it makes sense right now. Even though my baby is hopefully 4lbs (or bigger if we are lucky) and we are also close to term, it doesn't actually make this any easier. We don't know if bub will have to go to special care or not, we don't know if the steroids have work? Before today I could understand from a personal point of what it was like to have an early premmie and full term babies and the emotions that go with that. Hopefully we get to term (37weeks gestation) but the fact that we are low birth weight presents us with our own problems to deal with now too. Hopefully it is just going to be a case of fattening up when we deliver but due to this little one giving me so many surprises I don't want to not be ready for anything to happen now.
Thanks for all the messages today and every other day too. I just find it quicker and easier to come here and write out my thoughts in one blog post rather then to do bits and pieces on fb all over the place.
I will keep you all updated during the week of how we are going and thank you all for being there for me and my family. I am feeling quite emotional about everything but want to do my best in staying positive too.
Love Fee xx